While Purdue University has one of the largest international student populations among large research universities, the majority of your classmates at Purdue will be your average American college student. What is the best way to make friends with these people? How will you behave at social gatherings? The topic of friendship is one that everyone is interested in, but can be a bit difficult to describe. As you likely already know, the U.S. is a large and incredibly diverse country. It is hard, if not impossible, to talk about one U.S. culture because the people and places that make up this country embody such a wide range of histories, values, beliefs, and behaviours. If you have just started exploring U.S. culture, there is a lot to learn.
Americans are often very friendly and helpful to people that they do not know well, and they may also be more open in what they talk about than people from many other countries. This can be confusing to someone who comes from a country where people are initially more reserved. An international student may also feel that Americans are superficial or are not good friends when this initial friendliness does not continue as friendship. For example, Why do they say, “Hi! How are you doing?” if they do not want to wait for an answer?! You must understand that “How are you doing?” or “How’s it going?” are common greetings and examples of small talk – friendly chatter without the expectation for a continued conversation or relationship. Instead, a lot of U.S. Americans will build friendships around activities such as playing or watching a sport, eating at a restaurant, visiting a museum, creating something, or participating in an organization. If you want to build a relationship with a U.S. American, don’t ask them about the weather, ask them to do something fun!
The “wall theory” describes two patterns of friendship: one American and one found in many other countries. The American pattern shows how Americans are initially very friendly and open: as symbolized by the first wall being very low. However, American values stress privacy and independence, and the walls become higher and higher before one reaches the stage of a good friendship (represented by the X’s in the centre of the diagram). Thus, many international students are very happy when the American they meet is so friendly and open. However, when the American does not continue to act in a way that the international student expects of a friend, the international student is disappointed and confused. They may sometimes conclude that Americans are superficial and do not really know how to be friends. What the international student may not realize is that they have not yet reached the stage of being good friends with the American: they need to go over some “higher walls” before reaching the centre and a good friendship. Alternatively, Americans living in a country where people are more reserved and not as initially friendly as in the U.S. may sometimes become discouraged about making friends in that country; they may feel that people in their host country are very unfriendly. The expectations of friendship may be very different in various countries. Americans tend to use the word “friend” where people in some countries might use the word “acquaintance,” and they often have different types of friends: friends just to do activities with, close friends, and best friends. In other countries, people reserve the word “friend” for a few people who are very close.
When talking about the culture of a particular group is it critical to address and understand the difference between a cultural generalization and a stereotype. Generalizations should be used to promote understanding and foster equitable relationships. Stereotypes serve to limit understanding and often help maintain the power of one group over another. I ask you to hold generalizations lightly and challenge the stereotypes you may have heard about your own or another group’s culture.
Common generalizations of U.S. culture
Use the generalizations below to begin your exploration of U.S. culture, but remember to keep an open mind and avoid stereotyping. You may meet a U.S. American who is not at all like the descriptions below, and that is normal, exciting, and to be expected!
Individualism & Extroversion
| Explanation | Example |
| U.S. Americans are typically raised with a strong sense of individual identity and responsibility. Decisions are made based on self interest rather than deference to the group. Extroversion and self-confidence are considered positive character traits. | “GRIT” and “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is a common, albeit contested, expression that suggests that a person should overcome challenges relying solely on themself and their own hard work. |
Strong Action & Work Orientation
| Explanation | Example |
| U.S. Americans love to be busy! If there is a problem, discussion quickly turns to a solution. Weekends are spent doing activities and having “no plans” can be perceived as a negative. Careers are important and often give people a sense of identity. Sports are a common hobby and many people follow a particular sport, team, or athlete. | Students in the U.S. are expected to participate in extra curricular activities like sports, clubs, and volunteering. These items are listed on resumes and applications. |
Time, Schedule & Punctuality
| Explanation | Example |
| Since U.S. Americans like to be so busy, time is a valuable commodity. Many people keep detailed schedules and expect others to be punctual to meetings, classes, and gatherings. Arriving late in the U.S. can communicate disrespect for the other person. | In U.S. English there are many common phrases that represent time as a valuable commodity such as, “time is money,” “spend time,” “waste time,” and “save time.” |
Direct Communication
| Explanation | Example |
| Unlike many cultures, U.S. Americans do not have a strong concept of “saving face.” Speaking directly and openly is valued, even when delivering bad news or criticism. Direct eye contact is also the norm and can communicate that you are paying attention and are trustworthy. | In academic writing, it is standard in the U.S. to place a clear and concise thesis statement near the beginning of the paper. Long introductions of multiple paragraphs are generally not favored. |
Rules and relationships
| Explanation | Example |
| Rules and regulations are valued over relationships in U.S. American culture. Meaning, a U.S. American will not give preference to or break a rule for someone of close relation or for “benefits”. | Nepotism, or the practice of those in power of giving favour or opportunity friends or relatives, is prohibited in many U.S. workplaces. Giving or taking bribes, which may be common in your home country, is deeply offensive and may result in legal action. |
Religion
| Explanation | Example |
| The U.S. is a diverse country and that diversity extends to religious belief and practice. Many U.S. Americans belong to a faith group and U.S. laws protect their right to practice. Although the U.S. is considered a secular country, and a growing segment of the population is not religiously-affiliated, religious references (largely Christian ones) appear frequently in everyday life, including sports and government. | Despite separation of church and state and the many religions practiced in the U.S., “In God We Trust” is the motto of the nation and appears on all forms of currency. |
Equality & Fairness
| Explanation | Example |
| U.S. Americans value equal and fair treatment for all. While these beliefs are often challenged by obvious inequities experienced by many people living in this country, U.S. laws and society are increasingly inclusive of all races, ethnicities, gender identities, sexual orientations, and religious beliefs. Discrimination, whether structural or interpersonal, is generally not tolerated and in some cases can be punishable by U.S./State law or Purdue disciplinary policy. | Purdue along with many other organizations and companies, maintains its own non-discrimination policy and complies with all federal and state non-discrimination, equal opportunity and affirmative action laws, orders and regulations. |
What is considered an appropriate topic to talk about with friends or acquaintances can vary somewhat between countries. Many international students comment that they do not know how to start a conversation with Americans because of a lack of shared background. When speaking to someone they do not know well, try to talk about fairly neutral topics and to look for similarities. Begin with “small talk”; discuss the immediate situation (the class, professor, party, host, decorations). It might continue with questions or comments about common acquaintances, sports, movies, work, or school.
- Don’t be afraid to take the initiative: Start a conversation, show interest in others by asking questions; invite someone to have coffee with you after class. Even if they can’t go, once you have taken the initiative, they are much more likely to be open or to even invite you the next time.
- Be positive: Don’t assume someone doesn’t like you if they don’t respond in a way that you expect. They may just be busy or preoccupied with school or work. Just as you are apprehensive starting a conversation with an American classmate, your classmates may also initially feel the same way.
- Be informed: follow r/Purdue on Reddit and read the campus or local newspapers, like the Purdue Exponent or the Lafayette Journal and Courier. This way you will be more aware of what is happening on campus and in the area. This may help create a more common background to start conversations and let you know what activities are going on.
- Take advantage of Purdue’s activities. Many Americans who have travelled or lived abroad particularly enjoy meeting people from other countries. Attend Campus and area clubs and activities that sponsor activities that you enjoy. Sing in a choir, take a pottery or a dance class, or participate in team sports. Sharing activities is a good way to meet people with common interests. Eventually, this could lead to friendships.
- Be aware that differences in expectations about making and having friends may sometimes be confusing or frustrating and that misunderstandings or miscommunications may occur.
- Remember to be patient with yourself and others. Try to suspend your judgment and don’t take things too personally if you run into difficulties.
- Finally, relax, have fun, and realize that it takes time to make friends, no matter what country you are from!
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