{"id":1253,"date":"2024-04-28T21:30:47","date_gmt":"2024-04-28T18:30:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lnshah.com\/purdue\/?p=1253"},"modified":"2024-05-27T12:10:33","modified_gmt":"2024-05-27T09:10:33","slug":"sad-kids-and-how-to-resist-helicopter-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lnshah.com\/purdue\/2024\/04\/28\/sad-kids-and-how-to-resist-helicopter-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"Sad Kids- and how to resist Helicopter Parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u201cOK parents of brand new college students, there is a thing that might happen and I need us to be prepared.<\/strong><\/p>\n\t\t\t

<\/span><\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t
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Roughly 8 \u00bd out of 10 of us will get a phone call from a super miserable college kid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like, flat-out miserable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They will be friendless, homesick, overwhelmed by the work, unsure of their every decision, and will be quite certain things will never get better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every molecule in your body will scream, \u2018Baby don\u2019t worry! Mama\u2019s here! I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THIS CRUEL COLD WORLD AND ALSO I WILL BAKE YOU COOKIES, WHEN CAN I BOOK YOUR FLIGHT HOME?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You must under no circumstances do the very thing you feel you need to do in your soul\u2026rescue them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your child is on the Hot Mess Express and it is a ride they have to take to get to This-New-Place-Feels-Like-Home Junction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do not pull them off the train.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also do not get on with them and lament that yes everything is horrible because that is a straight shot to Sad Sack City.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, you need to run alongside that train waving your hat and saying things like, \u2018You\u2019ve got this it\u2019ll all be OK!,\u2019 \u2018It\u2019ll be a short ride and you\u2019ll be so happy when you get there!\u2019 or \u2018Keep your dorm room open so people can see you are home!\u2019 or \u2018Look straight ahead so you don\u2019t get train sick!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listen to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Validate their feelings because the adjustment can be hard and long and feel not so great.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s OK for them to struggle and they might just need to talk about how crappy it all is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But they also need us to believe in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They won\u2019t always believe they can do it so we need to step it up and tell them they indeed can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remind them they are a gift from God to the world and that they\u2019ve had friends before and they will again and their little brother still thinks they\u2019re the coolest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I know what you are thinking, What if they are not OK?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if this all is a disaster and the right thing to do is to bring them home?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hear you, and on the off chance that is the case you need them to tell you when that time is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it isn\u2019t on weekend two when they still don\u2019t have a friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It isn\u2019t even on weekend four when they are still sitting in their dorm room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A good rule is to make them stay put for at least six to eight weeks, especially if they are having a hard time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, this will basically feel like forever to both you and your miserable child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But something happens around the 6-week mark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They make friends or at least one friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They connect with a professor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They break down and join something, anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They realize they know the way to all their classes and have a new favorite coffee at the coffee shop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone invites them to a party and they go and it isn\u2019t a nightmare.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cafeteria staff starts to recognize them and lets them know when they\u2019re going to make more potstickers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And they have made connections all on their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course the conversations you have had and the bazillion prayers you have prayed have helped but basically, they own this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They have carved out a new home without anyone else and it will feel amazing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do not steal this from them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sit with them, coach them, pray for them, but make them stay on that train.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know, I have done it once and I have four more in line to allow me to experience this joy of parenting again, and again, and again and again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unless they choose to just stay with me forever which at least one of them still promises to do. #liar<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surround yourself with support because you will need it too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You will see pictures online and think all the other kids in the land are happy but yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you ask a parent or two you may find they are right there with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At least 8 1\/2 of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve got this friends and so do they.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shared from Hiding in the Closet with Coffee by Amy Betters-Midtvedt<\/strong><\/p>\n\n<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\n

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“”Hail to mothers, even those who can\u2019t let go of kids<\/strong>“<\/p>\n\t\t\t

<\/span><\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t
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Former Purdue President Mitch Daniels is a regular contributor to the Washington Post. He wrote this just before Mother\u2019s Day 2022. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can I get something on the record? I love moms. I really love moms. A caring mother provides the best chance, sometimes the only chance, a young person has of turning into a responsible, self-reliant, high-character adult. No mission is nobler. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However. Ahem. Even moms are subject to that fundamental caveat of life: \u201cup to a point.\u201d Working daily with and on behalf of tens of thousands of other people\u2019s children, as I do as the president of Purdue University, one encounters mothers who, let\u2019s just say, carry things a little far. Like the one who insisted, without ever providing any documentation, that her child was allergic to all non-organic food. She ordered food multiple times a week, accompanied by specially selected spices, and had it delivered to our dining courts with a demand that the staff cook it separately for him, to her specs. (They did, for a year, until the demands, or maybe the \u201callergies,\u201d ceased.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or the mom who wrote and called eight times to complain about her daughter\u2019s accommodations. She was sure there was mould (the test she ordered came back negative) and that the water was tainted (she sent it out for tests \u2014 negative again). The oven handle was loose. (Has the college student tried using a screw- driver?) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My school often receives helpful advice about adding street lights or other measures to enhance physical security \u2014 on a campus found every year to be one of the safest in the nation. After the university acceded to one mother\u2019s demands and moved her daughter to different housing, she continued to complain on behalf of other people\u2019s children who apparently hadn\u2019t realized the extent of their own jeopardy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, many of the grievances are justified, and we try to act on them promptly. But after years on the receiving end of such entreaties, I find that the term \u201chelicopter parent\u201d no longer seems adequate to capture the closeness of the hovering. \u201cMom mowers\u201d might be more descriptive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is not to exonerate the fathers. Although paternal complaints make up a much smaller fraction of the campus mailbag, they can be just as difficult. One father was the source of 13 emails and three phone calls about how miserably lonely his son was, insisting he be moved to a different residence. When visited, the student reported having lots of friends, several extracurricular involvements and zero interest in being moved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Such parent-student disconnects are not uncommon. One mother was persistent and belligerent because her son\u2019s bed was too short for his 6-foot-3-inch frame. When visited to see if the university could make a different accommodation for him, he picked up his cellphone, called home and bluntly asked Mom to butt out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As extreme as such examples are, it is impossible not to empathize with parents who, rationally or not, worry about the physical safety or comfort of their child. More dubious are parents\u2019 attempts to shield their off- spring from failure or the academic challenges that higher education, if it\u2019s doing its job, presents to its young clients. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like the mother who insisted that we gather all her son\u2019s homework assignments daily and fax them to her so that they could work on them together every evening. Or the one who requested an \u201cadvance interview\u201d for herself the day before her daughter\u2019s own interview regarding a possible academic award, so that she could \u201cexplain her daughter\u2019s qualifications\u201d for the honour in question. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, a personal favourite, the mom who impersonated her son \u2014 yes, son \u2014 at his teaching assistant\u2019s virtual office hours, to present his homework solution and push for a 100 percent grade. Even with the Zoom camera off, the TA detected the subterfuge. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years ago, when my wife and I took the eldest of our four daughters to start college, the arrival day\u2019s welcome program ended abruptly mid-afternoon. Parents and kids had attended separate orientation sessions at lunchtime, and when we saw our daughter again it was for only five minutes, before the adults were politely excused. The message was clear: A new era has begun for your child, and that means for you, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a country where so many social sadnesses are the consequence of irresponsible, neglectful parenting, one cannot fault those who love their children to the point of overprotection. But protection from challenge \u2014 and from the occasional failure that is often the best teacher \u2014 can be endangerment of a different kind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, bless all the moms, and dads, including those who go a little over the edge. We\u2019ll do our best to be responsive. But remember: When your kid graduated from high school, maybe it was time for you to graduate, too!<\/p>\n\n<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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